Compassionate support after pregnancy or infant loss

What is perinatal loss?

Perinatal loss is the death of a baby during pregnancy, at birth, or in infancy. It includes miscarriage, stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy, and the loss of a newborn.

It is also more common than the silence around it suggests. The NICHD notes that early pregnancy loss occurs in about 10% of confirmed pregnancies. Common does not mean small. A loss that many people have experienced is still your loss.

Whatever your grief looks like, it is valid. There is no version of this that is too early to count.

Why does this grief feel so isolating?

Because it is often a loss with no shared memories attached to it. Other people did not know your baby. Some of them did not know you were pregnant.

So the world moves on quickly, and you are left holding something enormous that no one else can see. Grief that others do not acknowledge is harder to carry, not easier. People sometimes call this disenfranchised grief.

The well-meaning things people say can make it worse. At least it was early. You can try again. Everything happens for a reason. None of that is comfort, and being angry at it does not make you ungrateful or bitter.

Is it normal to feel guilt?

Yes, and it is almost universal. Most people go back over the pregnancy in forensic detail, searching for the moment they caused this.

The searching has a logic to it. If you caused it, then the world still makes sense and you can prevent it next time. Guilt can feel safer than randomness. That does not make it accurate.

Therapy does not consist of your therapist repeating that it was not your fault. That rarely lands. It consists of examining the belief honestly, with someone who will not flinch, until it loosens its hold.

Fear about a future pregnancy is the other half of this, and it is rarely discussed openly. Many people find that trying again brings the loss back rather than replacing it. Wanting to try and being terrified of trying are not contradictory, and you do not have to resolve that before you come in.

What does therapy for perinatal loss actually involve?

It starts with being listened to by someone who will not change the subject. That alone is not nothing.

From there, your therapist works with you on what is hardest right now. That may be guilt. It may be fear about a future pregnancy, which is one of the most common and least discussed parts of this. It may be sleep, or work, or the distance that has opened up with your partner.

Partners grieve differently, and often on different timelines. That mismatch can feel like abandonment when it is really just difference. It is one of the most workable parts of this in therapy.

The pace is yours. Nobody will push you to talk about the parts you cannot talk about yet.

Grief after this kind of loss does not move in a straight line. It comes in waves, and the waves are often triggered by dates: a due date, an anniversary, a holiday, a friend’s announcement. Knowing a hard date is coming, and planning for it, takes some of its power away.

There is no timeline for this. Anyone who suggests one is wrong, including the part of you that keeps saying you should be past it by now. Grief is not a problem to be solved on a schedule. The aim of therapy is not to get you over it. It is to help you carry it, and to make room for a life to go on alongside it.

Some people also carry rage. At their body, at other people’s pregnancies, at how casually the world moved on. That anger is allowed here.

Can I do this by telehealth?

Yes. Telehealth is available at all MindView locations, and it matters here. In the early months, leaving the house, sitting in a waiting room, and possibly passing a pregnant person on the way can be more than you can carry.

Video sessions let you get real care from your own home. MindView serves adults in Jamaica and Queens, Buffalo, and Carmel, Indiana. We are in-network with most major plans.

What comes next?

There is no correct point at which to ask for support. If it is heavy, that is enough, whether the loss was last month or years ago.

You can book a session online, or call us at (646) 493-4007 if you would rather speak to a person. We respond within one business day. If you are in crisis and cannot stay safe, call or text 988 now.